PILL ON A HOT PANTS HILL
A Musical in-progress
For CHris Loff.
Bick, a latte-sipping, ex-basketball player, sips his days away and resists the attempts of his wife, Pillory, to engage him in debates. Blooper, who is suffering from minor skin cancer on his nose, tries to reconcile his whole family, the Politix, before he must go in for laser surgery. But he can’t figure out who’s who, so Big Doggy has to step in.
Joan Crawford Pillory ‘Pill the Pants’ Politix
Barack Obama Bick Politix
Burl Ives Willy ‘Big Doggy’ Politix
Lionel Barrymore Mac ‘Blooper’ Politix
Candy Crowley ‘Big Mama’ Politix
Mature Lana Turner Sin Dee Politix(Blooper’s wife)
Act 1, Sc. 1
As the scene opens, Sin Dee, in a Fredericks of Hollywood negligee ,is frantically going through the phone book. Her husband ‘Blooper’ rolls himself across the persian rug shouting, a large bandaid on his nose.
Blooper What in San Juan Hill are you doing Sin Dee?
Sin Dee If Big Doggy expects us all to attend this G.D.
convention I sure as hell do need a little pick me up or a put me down. I’m lookin for a number for Doctors Without Borders.
Sc. 2
Pill the Pants We’ve got to debate!
Bick is reading the constitution and sipping his ever-present latte. He doesn’t look up.
Pill Don’t you think I know, Bick? Don’t you think I know why you’re afraid to debate?
Bick pounds down the whole latte, slams the cup down hard and burps delicately. He an old hoops injury on his pinkie, which, as a result, he must keep crooked whenever he drinks lattes, which is always.
Pill Bick, I went to a doctor in West Virginia. a gynecologist. He says there’s no reason we can’t have a child whenever we want. Bick?
Bick sips, sighs, then hard swivels in his ergonomic chair
Bick Pill, you’re misspeaking again. You’re sixty. We’ve never touched except when we shake hands after a debate.
Pill Debate! We’ve got to debate!You can be young without debates but you can’t be old without them.
Bick (pointing his crooked pinky at her) You know the debates are over and that your’e outta the race, Pill. You know it’s Blooper I’m runnin against. Now I gotta prepare my acceptance speech.
Bick picks up his plumed pen, thinks a second and then begins to write as he reads aloud: “ Four Score and twenty years ago, my grandfather, who was a white man....”
Pill (singing) Pill the Pants is Alive! I’m a Pill on a Hot Pants Hill and I’ll debate! I’m Alive, do ya hear? And I’ll debate!
sc. 3
Big Doggy Didya hear Big Momma? Didya hear what that latte sippin, mendacious Manhattan lovin ,,theater goin .Penny Loafer wearin son of mine called that woman?
Big Momma (holding a mic up to Big Doggy) Which one, Big Doggy? Which woman are you talkin about?
Big Doggy grabs the mic and starts strolling with it. The music and the lights come up. He unlosens his tie. He’s crooning and swinging himself and the mic cord downstage.
As Big Momma ushers in the full press corps from the wings, Big Doggy sings “My Pill.”
“My Pill, talkin bout my Pill....”
sc. 4
Bick Give me my latte
Big Doggy Tell me first.
Bick No, you give me my latte first and I’ll tell ya.
Big Doggy Tell me first!
Bick Alright, hope!
Big Doggy HOPE ABOUT WHAT?
Bick Misogyny. You know what that is. It’s gender bias and sexism. I’m hopin we can have a conversation in this country about it.
Big Doggy How the hell do you think we can talk about misogyny when you’re still callin your wife ,Pill, Annie Oakly and crookin yer little finger at er?
A Chorus of Women in Pantsuits of all colors begins gathering and the music for “Misogyny, The Song” begins to play. Big Doggy takes center stage while Bick fades into the shadows and the women array themselves on risers on either side of BD. Strobe effect and BD starts talking the song to the music—which has a disco beat.
Misogyny! What do men know about misogyny?
I could write a book on it...Misogyny. Bush can’t even pronounce it. Gender bias! Sexism! Anti-feminist Rhetoric! I’ve had to stop bein a misogynist the hard way. Pantsuits! Didn’t like em ,but I learned to. All those interns and impeachments! Misogynist and woman chaser’s what they called me. All those endless interns! I had to learn to live without em. Misogyny!
the lights fade on the chorus. the stage goes dark and then a spotlite comes on. Big Doggie flings his arms wide and looks directly at the audience--
Misogyny. (beat, beat)
I feel your pain (beat).
He fast drops his head, turns left, crouches and freezes. .
Silence. Cut Lights. Thunderous appause.
Intermission...